The Apologist

14th June 2013

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The Heart Eater

I never thought I’d see my bones again. The bow and arc of my collar, the soft sweep of my spine. Too long they’d been muddied by the same thing that blurs the stars. Melancholia. Disparate world, making soft what once had corners. I bite softly  all the edges of your flesh and taste sweetly all the things I ever missed. Push your back into me love, pour your hands into my throat and pull out that which you own, that which I have been shoring up inside of you. My caged heart. My bloodstream. I suffer the birds, their calls when I sleep and I think of you always. Biting that flesh, sucking that skin, inhaling every atom until I’m all full up with desire.

14th June 2013

Post reblogged from . h e w n with 2 notes

hewn:

Death

But when I lay my forehead against the wall,
it smells of your neck, lips, your hair,
and hay,
and water green with frogs and stars.

So I caress the table, windows, lampshade,

like your warm breasts in the dark ripened by night.
And when we nestle face to face,
I understand that there is no death.

Maurycy Szymel

14th June 2013

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The Hurt and the Glory

drop the broken shards of my backbone into your glass jar.
your rattle tremors now, boy
your rattle grinds tears.

I smoke seamless rows of dust into your eyes,
pour salt out,
pour salt out of my mouth

when the wonders of the world ever cease,
I shall know you through the lines of the dark,
shaking my rattle and inhaling my sins.

shake-a-shuk-shake-a-shuk
the crippling rhythm of my body
as it rolls around your palm of paper and sand

I’ma burn with all you possess, lay it close and thick
ash on the toast you chew at dawn
smoulder as my heart ticks, ticks

I only write when I’m melancholy, so you must be tearing me into ribbons

18th April 2013

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What do you do when you want everything and yet nothing at all ? I feel like everything I’m seeking is in some way linked to an element of my past. It’s as though I’m trying to attain some past happiness or be validated by at least one choice that I’ve made for myself. I’m reckless and I’m shackled and those two things are breaking my spirit. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I want to get in the car and drive away and I don’t ever want to come back.

9th April 2013

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Moving Forward

Sometimes I feel like I want to shore myself up inside someone else’s heart, deep within their ribcage and do nothing but be safe within their armour. I am constantly in a state of flux, trying so hard to be new again and stumbling over it every now and then.

 I cause myself to suffer, I hurt myself with my own mind and I feel like my biggest enemy is my own esteem. It’s frustrating because I’m bigger than my heart these days, I feel like an animal, not a human, a being that wants to fight until my hands smash just so I can feel my heart pound. I want to stand on the top of mountains and soar, laughing right into the face of all that I’ve achieved. It’s an incredible feeling and a difficult one, it means I feel powerful and trapped, both at the same time. 

I used to want to wall myself in and lay down to die because it seemed like it’d be the only way to give myself peace but now I’m wielding a hammer and feel so desirous to live that I can’t ever be free enough. The only thing holding me back is me so I’m making a list right now, of the things that I want to do and I’m going to focus on making them real instead of burying my head under the duvet, wishing my life was different.

• I’m going to drive the 330 miles to Fowey, run down the cliff face, take a pedalo out to sea and pluck fish out of the water with my bare hands.
• I’m going to climb every hill, mountain and generic incline with a backpack full of rocks and the most gangster sunglasses I can find.
• I’m going to learn how to make a fire and go camping, armed with a bottle of Stag.
• I’m going to be more metal than a 14 year old at a Slipknot gig.
• I’m going to do everything I want to do, whether I’m alone or not. FUCK fear.